Thoughts From A Plane

Posted by Garth on Saturday, May 17, 2008

Disclaimer: I was seriously drunk when I typed most of this, but I figure I may as well post it in it's entirety than to try to sugar coat it. Sorry (sort of) if I offend anyone. Also you should read this post bottom to top. Mostly.

  • bob saget... "gimme my cookie bitch!".
  • bob saget... "i have 3 daughters" ... "and little kimmie gibbler"; "i'm sorry i fucked her"
  • OMG! 12 fucking hours to go. WTF?!
  • as an aside... 39-year old asian mother... reasonably attractive. 19-year old daughter... hot. call me what you will... but a+b=c... is it wrong of me to think that "asian copilot's" daughter is off limits? seriously? she's late 30's... daughter is late... teens (i.e. 19). but really... REALLY?!
  • OMFG I WANT A SMOKE! it's literally 12 hours since i had one... and i want to exit the plane via skydive doors, and coast down. wtf... where's my ground cigarette?
  • i'm really excited to see ken. not in a gay (that's "AY") way. but seriously... this is a friend i've had for 13 years, have lived with for probably 5 of 13 years (might be higher, but that's a conservative estimate). and he rocks. one of the best friends a guy could ever have. seriously excited. maybe i should sleep for 12 hours. then i'd almost be there.
  • also again... i REALLY want a smoke. it's been a theoretical 24 hours since i had one (translation: it's been about 12 hours). smoke = good. goooood. can't wait to land.
  • also... it's gonna be 14 hours til i see ken. way too much. i can't deal with this crap.
  • a little drunk. been drinking since 11am "yesterday". i don't even know what "yesterday" is given my current geopgraphic location. but seriously, i'm seeing 9:06am on my phone, which implies it's been 10 hours since i started drinking. watching the wedding singer. "all i want is for somebody to hold me and tell me it's gonna be alright" (dunno his name but it's the main guy from grandma's boy). REALLY?!?! that's really NOT what i'm looking for. am i shallow?
  • "chopsticks or fork"... this is what the air waitress presented to me (and the other passengers) before "noodles" were served. i still haven't seen the noodles and so am reserving judgement. however, even though i'm relatively capable with chopsticks, i chose fork. i need to get out of this western mentality. stat! ... update: the noodles were a mr. noodles equivalent. low budget. weak.
  • apparently the stewardess button means jack shit. accost them in the aisle and they're happy to please. bing the "air waitress" button and nada. boo.
  • OMG! Effing "stewardesses" (i.e. air waitresses) suck ass. seriously, WTF? i've been binging (every 20 mins or so - basically when the light goes out) for the last hour. this is retarded. it's comp'd drinks. she told me to bing rather than stock up. and anything i say at this point will come across as beligerent rather than constructive. so i need to kiss ass even thought i am soooo in the right. Bull-Shit! seriously. bullshit. where's my effing drink you air waitress?!
  • "that guy". i hate to be him. but i've "binged" the stewardess going on 3 times now and no one's come around (and to my defense, the light's gone off each time). i figure at this point it's ok to be a little obnoxious. especially given point 7. see below.
  • the order of these thoughts might be a little backwards. i type top down on my kaiser, and it's easier to create a new bullet at the top than to scroll down 50(+) lines and THEN type something.
  • i was gonna say something else about "the perfect storm", but a) it sucks, b) i'm drunk, and c) it's soooo not worth a blog post, let alone a fraction thereof.
  • coast guard guys (perfect storm again)... who the fuck cares? not mark wahlberg, not george clooney... why the fuck do i care that these theoretical coastguard dudes (i.e. actors) are drowning? cuz they're not. and it's ghey.
  • there's a lot of hot chicks on this flight. did i mention i have yellow fever (figuratively, not literally).
  • i'm not used to long flights. 5 hrs is about my limit. so at the 3 hr mark i'm usually looking for landing gear. not so much right now. it's about 2.5 hrs in (to a 12+ hr flight) and i'm... um... drunk would probably be the operative word. only 9 hrs to go. the "only" was sarcasm. seriously. boo.
  • i'm a lush. me: "is it better to get a bunch of drinks now or buzz you as i need them?"; stewardess: "i'm not getting off til tokyo so feel free to buzz". nice. and, as a sidenote... was she being dirty?
  • the perfect storm is a ghey movie. everyone is wearing hipster hats (john deere, cat, red sox) and the "big plotline" is that george clooney is a sucky fisherman with a loaner boat. who the fuck cares?
  • overseas flights with comp'd drinks rock. drank 5 double JD and cokes before i got on. total = $72. drank 6 double rye and gingers since sitting down. total = $0 (note that this number will be (or has been by the time you read this) incremented over the next 12 hours). thanks ken for your aeroplan :)
  • p.s. to the last bullet... stewardesses get far more beligerent as the flight wears on.
  • the security guys searched my carry-on. why? not sure. initially it was because of a 4-module travel power adapter. but they took it out and re-scanned my bag and i was still red flagged. turns out it was cuz i had 8 AA batteries. WTF? when did AA batteries become a terrorist weapon? sidenote: i didn't have to remove my belt or shoes. but batteries... whoa! watch the fuck out!
  • though typing out blog posts on my kaiser is slower than on my laptop, it's soooo much more convenient. the risk is that if i'm intoxicated i might forget something while i'm typing... but on the flipside i might forget EVERYTHING if i had to wait for my laptop to boot up.
  • there's a 3-prong plug in the seat beside me and a USB plug in my seat. i no longer fear running out of power. nice.
  • for the road... does anyone actually give a shit when clooney plows his boat through the uber-wave in "the perfect storm"? seriously? does anyone care? clooney is a bit (translation: A LOT) of a douchebag. yes? no? somewhere in between? i vote A LOT of a)... a little bit of b).


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